An interesting side note...does anyone (besides her one time paramour
(pairamore...pare-a-moor...hmmm, still looks right) anyhow, does anyone
remember who the mighty warrior queen really was? Just think, we have
become like the people in the story who hold a town lottery and sacrifice
one of their own every year even though they have completely forgotten why
they do it. We know there was a warrior queen but no one has the faintest
idea who Margaret Osterberg was. For the edification (or clamification) of
all...I present the following ancient manuscripts that were smuggled out of
the ruins of Mollusc Bay at great personal risk.
From: ***@livewire.newforce.ca [Maggie Osterberg]
Newsgroups: alt.bad.clams
Subject: Re: SECRET CLAM MEETING
Date: 17 Aug 1995 04:46:41 GMT
Hello Clams, if there are any of us left.
Let's find an alternative clam.bed until this swarming of kids is
past. There are many thousand groups here so all we have to do is agree
on one, share the address privately and use it until it's safe to come
back here. The other choice is to out swarm them by posting
our clam messages to all groups on that stupid header list. But becoming
an asshole is not my preferred method of dealing with them. Any other
thoughts?
-Tim
Tim,
Have I mentioned that I've developed a crush on you?
Anyway, if you've got an idea where we bad.clams can meet
unmolested please e-mail me with your suggestion. I'll pass it
on to Clamata Hari, (my clamfidant) and maybe we can enjoy
a spam-free clam.bed!!!!
M-o'-the-M's I love you!
Your mash-clam,
Maggie O
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.bad.clams
From: ***@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Tim Thibeault)
Subject: A CRUSH, YOU SAY, {was Re: SECRET CLAM MEETING}
snipulation of repetitive junk!<
Tim,
Have I mentioned that I've developed a crush on you?
Anyway, if you've got an idea where we bad.clams can meet
unmolested please e-mail me with your suggestion. I'll pass it
on to Clamata Hari, (my clamfidant) and maybe we can enjoy
a spam-free clam.bed!!!!
M-o'-the-M's I love you!
Your mash-clam,
Maggie O
Dearest Delightful Mash-clam Snoogy Wookums *<8-) !!!
WOW-o-ZOWIE! I've never been a love object before. {small,
prideful blush emoticon-thingy goes here!} That makes me feel just like
Hobbes, (of Calvin and...) when he's wearing his jams and Suzie invites
him to tea. My dear, you have made a walking clam-relic very happy today. I
may even skip my Geritol-and-Bran breakfast cereal! I'm afraid if this
keeps up, I may develop a leak in my Depends!
I must confess that this spamulation of our clam.bed has been
discouraging to say the least. I'm a bit "a-scared" that we may be
p-o'ing some other innocent group, nevertheless, I shall renew my search
for a likely substitute clam.bed with enhanced vigour!
And, in closing, I guess common decency forces me to warn you that
I was born 4 weeks to the day after the middle day of the 20th Century. I
remember the first episodes of Leave It to Beaver and Lassie, and I knew
Wilma Flintstone *before* she had Pebbles. (Now *that's* ooo-old!) Also,
God is my hairdresser. He has me part it in the middle with a part that's
4 and a half inches wide {bald guy emoticon goes here! (:-)} But at least
what's gone from the top is growing from my chin. If you aren't hurling
your cookies yet, drop me a line. I'm free this weekend and we can be
married in a quiet ceremony somewhere in Klamsas (clam's ass - get it?
wink, wink etc) I think Don Quohogte might agree to be our Best Clam. I
have a feeling he played Timmy in that original Lassie series. (No offense,
D.Q.) If not, how about Homer Simpson? He's my Dad.
Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
Yours with a spring in my step and mildly damp sneakers,
M-o'-the-M's
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: ***@livewire.newforce.ca
Newsgroups: alt.bad.clams
Subject: Re: SECRET CLAM MEETING
Date: 18 Aug 1995 23:44:37 GMT
Clam fine idea, Tim. As previously noted, I have desperately tried to
reach the clam bed but have been torn back to sea by the riptides of
Hurricane Felix. My shell is sore from rubbing against the sandy bottom
(whose sandy bottom it is, I shan't tell ?:o ) (hey, that's kind of cute--
looks like the Big Boy restaurant statue!)
My congratulations to the happy mollusks...I'd be honored to hop down the
aisle as Clamaid of Honor, scattering seaweed and pearls on my way. I'll
even write the press release for you:
CLAMATRIMONIAL HARMONY RINGS OUT IN ATLANTIS
The surprise news of the recent marriage of eligible shellfish
Sir M-o-the-M's will cause many a clammette to fill her shell with tears
tonight. Movie producer and clam about town, Sir M whisked American film
star Maggie Osterclam down the Thunder Bay Clamthedral aisle last
Saturday before a cast of thousands currently filming his latest movie
"Raise the Happy Clam." Ms. Osterclam stars as the beleagured first scallop
in what looks to be the undersea version of "Die Hard IX--Attacked by
Squirrels,
The Final Nut Cracks." The bride, looking resplendent in her shimmering
satin
gown double embroidered in sea pearls, was escorted by her father,
Mr. C. Scallop, clamtrapaneur and heir to the StarKist fortune.
Her intended, Sir M-o-the-M's appeared in a dashing black tuxedo with
seafoam green cummerbund and bowtie. The wedding party dined at Quagos,
an exclusive restaurant in lower Atlantis. Fresh sea horse on a bed of kelp
was the featured entree, with plenty of bubbly to please the crowd. The
evening came to a dramatic ending when Clamata Hari, having offered and
drank many toasts to the happy couple, jumped on the wedding party table
and began to perform her renowned Dance of the Seven Veils. The Clamaid of
Dishonor was promptly removed from the table and whisked away by
Jean Claude Van-Clamme, her dinner escort, before the seventh veil could
drop.
The M's will be traveling by steamer to Clamsterdam for an extended
honeymoon, followed by a whirlwind trip around the ocean.
And anytime you want to start spreading the good news to our clamverts,
I'll join in if my post gets through. ?:) (Wow--its even looks like me!)
C.H.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.bad.clams
From: ***@livewire.newforce.ca
Subject: Clamingdale's Wedding Registry
_____________________________________________________________
GROOM: Sir Mollusk O.T. Mounties
BRIDE: Margaret W. Osterclam
WEDDING COLORS: Sea Foam Green, Mother Of Pearl Pink
______________________________________________________________
All gifts have been listed by order of importance and quantity required.
Any gift may be wrapped and sent to the clamshell for an additional
$3.50. Please inform Clamingdales sales representative if the item purchased
is
for the registered couple so item can be removed from gift list. Enjoy your
shopping!
_____________________________________________________________
KITCHEN -- Soft Sand and Sunfish Yellow
12 Wine Goblets--Baccarat $15.00 (ea)
12 Pearl Handled Sterling Butter Knives --Clam Revereware $25.00 (ea)
12 Crystalline Deep china place setting -- Mikasa is Sukasa $175.00 (ea)
_______________________
BATHROOM--Ocean Blue and Pearl White
1 Fluffy rug --Blue $25.00 (ea)
1 Soap dish/toothbrush holder -- White $30.00 (ea)
1 Fluffy toilet seat cover -- Blue $15.00 (ea)
1 Set His/Her wet/dry razors --Blackened Decker $20.00 (ea)
_______________________
BEDROOM -- Octupus Green and Lobster Red
1 Scalloped bed spread, Queen, --Laura Ashley $ 175.00 (ea)
2 King Clam foam pillows -- $25.00 (ea)
1 Happy Clam shell massager -- $32.00 (ea)
2 Half shell reading lamps -- $24.00 (ea)
______________________
MISCELLANEOUS
1 Z-28 Clamaro, Ocean Blue-- Chevrolet $26,459 (ea)
1 Clamvette, convertible, Lobster Red -- Chevrolet $45,728 (ea)
1 Fluffy rug --Blue $25.00 (ea)
1 Soap dish/toothbrush holder -- White $30.00 (ea)
1 Fluffy toilet seat cover -- Blue $15.00 (ea)
1 Set His/Her wet/dry razors --Blackened Decker $20.00 (ea)
_______________________
BEDROOM -- Octupus Green and Lobster Red
1 Scalloped bed spread, Queen, --Laura Ashley $ 175.00 (ea)
2 King Clam foam pillows -- $25.00 (ea)
1 Happy Clam shell massager -- $32.00 (ea)
2 Half shell reading lamps -- $24.00 (ea)
______________________
Please allow 2 weeks for home delivery. All items are non-returnable.
Thank you for shopping Clamingdales, where we sell everything under the sea!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: ***@livewire.newforce.ca
Newsgroups: alt.bad.clams
Subject: Valuable Prizes!! Wowee!!
Date: 21 Aug 1995 01:32:21 GMT
Assuming that my MASH-CLAM agrees, you get to keep all of the valuable
cash and prizes that are duplicates of what we have in our hope shells!
See you at the nut shells, I mean nuptials!
I'm encouraging all my fellow shelled friends to hurry down to
Clamingdales and furnish my home...oops...I mean the happy couple's
home with scads of tasteful and important objects. I personally would
like to see them receive at least two mini-espresso makers (who couldn't
use two espresso makers? It's so convenient to have in the bedroom
when you just can't drag that heavy shell downstairs to start your morning.)
I would also like to inform all potential guests that the bride has
requested
rice not be thrown, particularly Minute Rice, because it has a tendency to
puff up in salt water and stick to her shell. Plus, rumor has it, that rice
throwing tradition is all a secret marketing plot by Rice-A-Roni to sell
more of their product. I suggest instead we all pass around warm bottles
of Coors Light, or perhaps Molson would be more appropriate, which we
will shake thoroughly and then douse the happy clample with as they
swim down the aisle.
Good night to all...
C.H. ?:> (Dang, that's cute.)
And to Sir M o' the M's I hope this doesn't stir up too many painful
clamories.
Hi Ho Sea Bisquit Away!!!!!!!
Part 7
I got a surprise for ya kaboom kabam yippp said bunny love what the
hell smack bang the warror queen is using her warrior staff like she
never done before this is all the things you done do me in this fight
times 10000 and then she said You messed with the wrong clam and with
that she hit bunny love as hard as she could and teleported away along
with the clam lord Bunny love went down to his knees.
Clam father appeared and said you are going away forever and I wanted
to tell you one thing don't screw with us gods and with that there was
a big explosion that took out the whole island of bunny haven. bunny
loves home is no more.....
The End